Excluded
On being clique-less
Recently, as I began my day, checking my Instagram, as most healthy well rounded individuals do to start their day, I scrolled my way into a picture dump a college friend posted from a girls trip. I found myself priying into these photos, curious to see the fun mid-thirties debauchery that ensued on this trip. Although the only tie I have left to this woman and her gaggle of girls is a measly Instagram follow, I found myself, dare I admit - feeling strangely left out. This would not be the first time the familiar pangs of feeling excluded have popped up, as I’ve found myself surveilling other fashionably exclusive girls trips from friends of former times.
I have core memories of being excluded, of being one of only two girls in the entire second grade class NOT invited to Ashley’s eighth birthday party. Being left out of Natalie’s sixth grade pre-dance gathering of picture taking and squealing over boys. Excluded from the first co-ed birthday party at the cool boy’s house. Not being invited to a friend's wedding even though we had a rich history and seemingly good relationship. Seeing Venmo exchanges for another friend's baby shower gift and finding out that way that you weren’t invited to the shower. Why was I singled out? Was I the weird kid? Each of these instances bringing up again and again the deeply painful question no one wants to ask themselves, “is there something wrong with precious little old me?”
Sitting here writing this as a 36 year old, I feel sadness for the little girl who was left out.
I have the trappings of someone clique-worthy - charm, aesthetics, style, humor, brains - where’s my place? Why am I not permanently cemented in some of these coteries?
Why does feeling left out, even when you don’t want to be invited to the party, bring up so much shame? Why does feeling left out hurt so bad?
As any good researcher would do, I decided to dive into this more from a scientific standpoint, because certainly I’m not the only one who feels this way, right?
According to science, the pain of being left out is deeply rooted in our biology, tracing back to our tribal days when social inclusion was crucial for survival.
In early human history, being part of a group provided protection, access to resources, and the ability to reproduce and thrive. Being excluded from the group often meant increased vulnerability to predators, starvation, or other dangers, making it a literal threat to survival.
Our brains evolved to treat social exclusion as a serious threat, this is actually an evolutionary survival mechanism. The same neural pathways activated during physical pain are also triggered when we feel socially rejected, as shown in studies using brain imaging. This overlap in processing highlights how seriously our brains perceive exclusion, and it makes sense why it almost physically hurts to feel excluded.
Furthermore, Psychologist Abraham Maslow included “belonging” as one of the fundamental human needs in his hierarchy. Feeling connected to others is a core need, it’s as essential as food or safety for our emotional and psychological well-being.
Being part of a group gives us a sense of identity and purpose. When we're left out, it can feel like a rejection of who we are, leading to feelings of shame, loneliness, and diminished self-worth. Makes sense as to why I feel shame sharing my own left out-ness experiences.
Social rejection can also trigger a hormonal stress response, including the release of cortisol, the "stress hormone." Chronic rejection or exclusion can even impact long-term mental and physical health.
Social media has amplified the pains of exclusion and feelings of being left out, as we can see everyone hanging out without us - see FOMO in the dictionary.
Based on the psychology behind feeling left out, it’s not just "in my head"; it's a reflection of a deep-seated evolutionary imperative to belong.
I’ve had periods of time being part of swanky inner circles, but it doesn’t seem to sustain. Perhaps that is life and the process of evolving and maturing. I do have friendships that span over 30 years and I enjoy symbiotic, loyal, deep relationships, I’m mindful and choosey, quality over quantity, warm yet guarded with others. I have intense compassion for other clique-less wonders who beat to their own drums and gratitude for the times of loving inclusion and for my genuine tribe. I also acknowledge that knowingly and unknowingly, there are regretful actions I’ve taken to make others feel left out, and I’m sorry for this.
I leave you with this - remember, your worth isn't defined by who lets you in but by the love and light you carry within—so stand tall, stay true, and know that the right people, the ones who see and cherish you for who you are, will find their way to your circle.
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